Nevermore.

Now playing: KMFDM - Bumaye

I had a blog in mind yesterday. It was going to have an update on the imagiNATION edits along with some neat blog-worthy links of interest to all the writers out there. But when I got home yesterday, my brain was fried so I decided to put it off until today. “Saturday,” I thought, “is a good day for blogging.”

So when I woke to the sound of Erica screaming, I didn’t think twice about the blog. I forgot all about it. She rushed into the bedroom, heart pounding, panting, her hands all shaky and she stammers, “There’s a bird in the house.”

Yes. A bird. The flying kind, with two beady little eyes that stare at you in a dumbfounded stupor all the while hiding the most sinister of intentions. This bird was not of earthly origin. This thing was a bird from the Stygian abyss. It was sent by the Goat Lord of Hell to my apartment for one sole purpose: to disrupt my Saturday.

I emerged from the bedroom bleary-eyed and half-panicking due to a rude awakening. That’s when I heard the flapping, glass clanking together and a general noise of things falling over.

Kitchen. Erica and I crept downstairs to survey the room. The bird had strategically flown to the far corner of the room, behind our coffee pot and underneath the hanging cabinets. It sat in that corner and watched us. I looked at Erica. She looked at me. We both looked at the bird. It looked back at us.

“Nevermore,” I chuckled, and reached for the broom. My original goal was to lightly pin it against the wall while Erica followed with a towel. Wrap the bird in the towel, open the door and sing “Born Free” as it flew back to nature. Since you’re reading this, you can guess it didn’t happen the way I planned. I did pin the bird against the wall, but just as Erica approached with the towel, it wrenched itself free of the broom and took flight.

Yes. It took flight underneath the cabinetry and dove right behind the stove.

In hindsight, I at least now understand how dirty the underside and backside a stove can get. Dust, grime, grease—and one bastard of a bird. Rather than go through the trouble of pulling the fridge out of place, we pulled out the stove’s bottom storage drawer. We knelt and peered through the opening in the back. The bird sat there. It stared at us.

“I don’t think he’s coming out,” Erica said.

“Me neither.”

I started to reach in, realized my hand was naked and pulled back. The bird pulled back as well, moving beyond the corner of the opening and somewhere between the wall and fridge. We decided to leave the drawer open and wait for it come out.

Round two: We went back downstairs about fifteen minutes later with a pillow case. The bird was perched on one of the chairs. When I tried to sneak up behind it, it flew across the room and landed on the windowsill behind the sink. I followed, tossing the pillow case to Erica and opting for the towel from before. I managed to wrap it in the towel. I could feel it through the fabric. One moment it was in my hands, and the next, it was free again. Magically. It broke free of my grip and flew out from under the towel, across the room and into the pantry. It took another five minutes before I could corner it with the towel again—and it still got away.

Fortunately Erica was ready by the door. It shot out from the pantry and slammed into the screen door, which Erica flung open just in time. Then it was gone. No more bird. See, it’s like I said before: bird from Hell.

So the bird had a dime tour of our apartment and didn’t have the decency to pay us a dime. Allow me to choreograph its movements:

  • Living room (where it swooped down at Erica’s head—hence the screaming)
  • Hallway
  • Stairwell
  • Kitchen
  • Stove
  • Table (it was on the chair)
  • Window
  • Pantry
  • Door
  • Ta-daaaa!

While it was behind the stove, we managed to get one clear photo of it. It had pretty markings, but I still don’t know what kind of bird it was.

DSCF1494

This is the evil little monster that interrupted my sleep, caused the rescheduling of an oil change and disrupted an entire day. What, you don’t think it looks like a bird spawned from the unblinking eye of Satan? Then try this: we have no idea how it got in. There are no openings, no holes, nothing. The windows are sealed shut for the winter. It just materialized from some demonic Hellgate to terrorize us.

So in light of today’s unexpected visitor, the blog I meant to write today will instead be written tomorrow, provided no more wildlife decide to drop in.

Until tomorrow,

TK

tags: birds   birds from hell   devil spawn   disrupted Saturdays   evil birds   unexpected visitors  

February 2, 2008 | Filed Under Blog 

Comments

One Response to “Nevermore.”

  1. Jessie on February 7th, 2008 8:48 pm

    The visions this stirred up were hysterical! I would have been laughing the whole time, you creeping around with a broom and pillowcase. We had a similar incident, only the beasty birdy brought 5 years of nesting material with it in our living room from the wood stove ventilation. It left presents for us, did you get “presents?” LOL, ha ha ha!

Got something to say?